My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
