his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
