i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
