I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
