I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
