Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
