get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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