Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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