Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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