i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
