Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
