Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dicks are not precious.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
