the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
