You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
