Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
