I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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