you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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