No stitches, just platelets and will power
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
