new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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