So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
