Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
