I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
