I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
