...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
