I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
