Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
