I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
