If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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