So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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