They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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