There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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