Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
