All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
