What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
