there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
