it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I will pee on everything he values.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
