he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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