Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
