oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
