dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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