Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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