Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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