He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
And then my night got REAL pukey
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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