Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
