Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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