Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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