i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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