I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
