WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
