I think I died a long time ago.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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