it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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