am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
