i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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