i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
